Todd's column in Spank Fanzine

First things first: I love booze. Gin and tonics seemed to be the drink of choice last weekend. Was the Puerto Rican independence parade one of the most annoying things to ever witness? Giant flags and cars honking, tires screeching and every asshole in the area acting like a complete retard. Well, it's over and I feel much better.

Whey are men such cavemen? What makes a guy wipe his boogers on the wall? Do women do this? I've pissed all over the toilet before but never wiped a booger on the wall.

What the hell is wrong with rock and roll today? All I can say is gay, gay, gay. That's right, kiddies, I've lost my mind. I've used gay the wrong way. I guess I've got gay on the mind since the parade starts this Sunday. You ever kissed a boy? Oh yeah. Valiums seem to do the trick. It's such a soft feeling.

You ever think about the microstar theory? I'm afraid about a lot of things, one being the devil. It can be so many things. For now the devil has a pussy.